Let's Talk About... Productivity + Worth

Today I woke up, feeling so out of place. A perfect visual of this would be when, after my husband rolled out of bed, I wormed over to his side and stuffed my face in his pillow. My head separated from the rest of my limbs and remained on the pillow, while the other majority arose in a ‘child’s pose’. A part of me wanted to stay attached to the warm sheets that have so routinely taken the shape of our bodies over night, while the other part- was ready to embrace whatever the day had in store, feet firm on the ground and ready to move at a moment’s call.

On these days, it’s hard to figure out my next move. And that’s in every sense of the phrase. I found myself standing in what could possibly be described as the center of my home. I’m in a perfect position between the living room, the kitchen, the office space, the bathroom and our bedroom. Without realizing, my body has placed itself in the middle of every decision I could make. I could make something to eat first, I could sit down and begin to read, or watch tv, I could begin working, I could brush my teeth or I could go get dressed. What to do first? I’m not sure if I’m the only person in the world that meditates that heavily on the first decision they make to start their day, but I do, every once and awhile. And yes, it is as frustrating as it sounds. If the way you start your day can impact how the rest of your day goes, how do I know what to do first... for an optimum day?

Without dragging on this daunting thought, I should mention that I usually come to my senses once I’ve finally accomplished all the tasks at hand. However, today, I’m in limbo. I don’t know what to do today.

See, before my husband, I was admittedly, very lazy. If I didn’t know what to do, I’d usually find some place to sit my butt down, whether it be a park, a beach, the couch or my bed- I’d find somewhere to rest and either gaze, or read. I’d spend a generous amount of time doing that. But being married to someone who can’t sit still and values his time by his productivity, I’ve adapted to a similar way of measurement. Now I find myself chasing check marks on my to-do list. That’s all good and well, it keeps you busy, it keeps you progressing- but sometimes I catch myself associating my productivity with my worth. Simply- if I’m busy, I must be significant, I must be contributing something of worth, my worth. If I’m not busy, I’m not doing much, meaning I’m contributing nothing, I am insignificant and meaningless.

I’m reminded of something I recently heard.

“If something is a tool, genuinely, it’s just sitting there, waiting patiently, if something is not a tool it’s demanding...it wants things from you…”

If I want to share the same purpose as a ‘tool,’ to be God’s ‘tool,’ I will wait patiently for my time of use. When I go out looking for things to fix, things to altar, according to my agenda, I’m no

longer awaiting to be used properly, at the

appropriate time and place for something meant for me, but I’m now seeking worth, in vanity. Square peg in a round hole. Does this mean I sit at home and wait for my assignment? Of course not, but I cannot move with the intent to define my own worth, on how useful I think I am, because of how much I accomplished.

My worth comes from who God says I am. My works could never build me an impressive resume, enough to qualify me for heaven, for eternal life. So I must always remember, that I am loved, I was lost and now found. I am a sinner, saved by grace, through divine Love and Grace I have salvation. I am His. That is my worth. That statement begins and ends any conclusion I may try to draw or justify in my own actions and character, to define my worth.

No matter how much I may or may not get done on this day, in this life, I am His…

...and because of that. I can continue this day, whether in bed for an extra hour, working on another assignment, cooking to feed my family or strolling through the park, loving the Lord, loving people and loving my life. It’s okay not to know what to do sometimes. Just do something, and let the rest happen. Never forgetting of The One who goes before you.

“(25) Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and your body more than clothing?...(27)Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?...(33) But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (34) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6: 25-34

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PHOTO INSPO: I took these photos of my morning. More or less, the same morning I wake up to everyday. The cloud shaped sheets that invite me for "one more minute" in their embrace. The edge of the bed, encouraging me to get up and start the day. The pile of books on my nightstand, knowledge, wisdom and creativity awaiting to be gained, and yet they respresent the broken sleep I often face and the spaces between the long night that I try to fill. The pile of sweaters, that comfort me in this cold season, my favorite kind of weather, I wish I never had to store them away, I'm happy I don't have to, just yet. And of course, the slightly opened drawer, that taunts me, reminding me of the things I need to organize and really let go of because there is no room for them, in my drawer, in my life. These things around my room that occupy my mind. Simple pictures that show the different avenues to my train-of thought and how complex it can be. This is the morning.